i was asked by a teacher a few years back whether i was a “learner” or a “grade seeker” and i wholeheartedly replied “fuck yes im a learner” and i still stick to that today. im not an organized person, i simply am not. i cannot keep a schedule. i cannot stack all of my assignments into corresponding rows and categories. people say you need to discipline yourself. ive tried that, ive tried to make myself do the things which people tell me i need to do. but the weird thing about discipline is that it really requires some organization to get going. what a fucked up little circle that is. and if you are organized, good for you, youre gonna get some fantastic grades. but i am not. i am however, an incredibly intelligent person. i make connections that other people cant see. i see the big picture when everyone elses depth of field is centered on getting their homework done. i see and i appreciate and i can create or have so much potential to create something whole and beautiful. i look around, at these high school classes, and i find ive already really conquered them. and as ive said, fuck yes im a learner. i will not dwell in these already discovered marshes. i need something new. so i come home from school and i find that which is brave and new and i follow it. for me its movies. i think theyre the most beautiful example of human creation. and i watch them, i watch so goddamn many movies. and i really feel something for them, i feel something good and substantial in them. and i want to make some myself so maybe some other kid looking for something brave and new one day will find what ive created and feel that beauty that ive felt. and so i study them. i learn what i like, what i consider well done, and i make note of it. i learn its methods by heart. i watch people, the way they move, the way they speak, and i study that so someday i can write a really real film. my literature teacher wants me to turn in notes i was supposed to take on a book ive already read and could write a paper on thatll be more sincere and well written than any other grade seeking kid in there. my statistics teacher wants me to complete a 2-hour long take home quiz on a subject im REQUIRED to take that holds no relevance to my actual future prospects. fuck that, im going to do what i love, what i think brings me real knowledge and wisdom. but then they call me up and tell me ill fail the class, that i cant get by on test grades or classroom work alone. i need to do the homework. well ive already seen the sharp end of that axe. i had a huge scholarship waiting for me, gonna completely pay for college. but i got nixed out of the running cause of my grades. and thats fine, i understand that thats one of the few things they can use to determine my eligibility. and i get my teachers too, i understand this is the system they know. i understand it all. no one understands me. im fine with mediocre grades, i revel in the disparity between my intellectual ability and what those letters on my report card say. i stand in defiance against a system that doesnt embrace me. im confident im gonna make my way in this life after school. i dont care if im a millionaire or barely on the poverty line as long as im striving for these things that i love, that i know other sorry pricks like me love. so again fuck yes im a learner.